Before c2c I started seeing the nutritionist about 8 weeks out, was a little late, but everything went to plan. Lost weight, got prepared. But since then, things haven’t been going to well. The weight is going back on… and I can’t seem to control it. Catherine said, “do you want food to control you, or you to control food?”… uh duh well thats a obvious answer isn’t.
But she’s right, we had a really long talk today, trying to dig deep into my psyche to find out why I have subverted to by old ways with food. But then I haven’t gone back to the old ways. I eat the prescribed breakfast, lunch (normally great), dinner (portion size is normally too big). Its healthily it combines a good mix of all the food groups. But i have got into the habit of eating in between times, and not what is required. I also seem to have the need to purchase, I not only need to go down to the shop because I am craving the food, I am also going there because I want to purchase something! Insane eh! completly and utterly meantal if you ask me.
Catherine asked me two other questions.
1. What could I imagine to be the worse thing that I could imagine if I keep down this path. I couldn’t answer this, couldn’t think of anything so terrible about it. The only thing I could think of was that I would go back to my old self, pre training. But I said, that wouldn’t happen because I train so much. But since I have been thinking. What if something was to happen to me, even a injury that put me out of action for a couple of months… how hard would it been then to get back to my old self, well with my current habits, not hard and maybe I wouldn’t be able to pull myself out of it again??? This would be my nightmare. I’VE GOT TO GET BACK IN CONTROL! I need to control my cravings… no matter how much exercise I do, there’s no justification for eating that whole muffin.
2. Am I self consciously using my weight as a excuse for not been able to run as fast as I have aimed to? Of course not I say. I train my ass of all the time to achieve something great with in myself, to get to my goals. But if I really wanted this goal, and I know that the easiest way to achieve it is loose the weight why would it be easy to achieve like pre c2c. But why would I self consciously want to take this destructive path???
So we have put a few plans in place. At afternoon tea time, rather than go straight to the diary, go for a walk around the block, if I still need to purchase something, then go to the coffee shop down stairs and get a trim hot choclate. So that’s afternoon tea taken care of. The other situations that arise, I think I should be able to deal with.
The other thing that I want to establish is being able to leave left overs. Part of my problem is I don’t like waste (especially if that waste is a yummy chocolate muffinn ). So if I do end up buying a muffin, leave some left over, and throw it out. I don’t need to eat everything on my plate if I don’t need it.
Well I let it out. I just hope that I can get this back under control. I know it a long boring angonising process, been there before, but never achieved what I ultimately decided. It’s needs to become a ingrained level of control that I will not waver from, no matter what life throws at me; a painful period; a dead cat; relationship difficulties. When ever something rocks my boat, I go of track, and it takes me ages to get back on it, and I don’t think I have get directly back on the track, just a track which delves of a little bit, and each time I get further and further form my original path. Yet somehow no matter what, my training will remain the one true focus and will never seem to fall of the track.